Hope. It’s a funny thing isn’t it? You find it’s more valuable when other people have hope in you, than you do in your own self. It’s another thing without hope though, you’re almost just drifting really. Drifting in a sea of ambition and direction, sometimes the tide pushes you one way, and other times the other. And because there’s no hope, you don’t resist the tide; and sometimes you end up in places where you never expected to be. It’s when that place becomes something significant that you realise, maybe I wasn’t just drifting along, maybe I was supposed to be pushed in this direction?
It really makes you re-evaluate yourself, when the things you thought were right end up being wrong. And more so, when you get inspiration from places you never imagined. Metaphorically speaking, I feel like I’m back in that long, thin corridor again; where there are doors everywhere, but all of them are closed. Except now, these doors are opening up ever so slightly. But I still feel just as lost and confused as I was a year ago. In fact, now I feel like there’s people that actually believe in me and I can’t say with an honest heart that I quite believe in myself right about now. It’s not that I don’t have faith in myself, because I do…it’s more that I don’t have direction. Like I said, I feel like I’m just moving with the tides. And I know I said, that I wouldn’t do too much thinking and that I’d just go with the flow…I honestly am trying, but who am I kidding! Like I can ever truly embrace spontaneity! Never gonna happen! Anyway, as I was saying…I think I need to push myself and find a direction, even if it’s just for the people who wholeheartedly have faith in me. It’s the least that I can do; after all, they’ve given me more than just hope.
PS. The title is part of a strange one-sided conversation I found myself in on Friday…I never realised that I come across as under-confident! Me of all people! Apparently I under-value myself, and consider myself as ordinary when I’m clearly not. Heck, even writing this down is making me laugh. I actually laughed whilst I was being told how ‘brilliant’ I am! I almost laughed the entire half an hour, until I realised that the person talking to me was very serious.