Gosh I’m tired. And having pulled both my back and shoulder in a span of just days, I’m now pondering what getting old actually means…for any normal person there is a certain threshold of age associated with pulling muscles or aching joints, but for me…there’s clearly no such distinction. Probably associated with emotional age…which though I claim is something like ’12’…it’s probably more accurately somewhere in the late 30’s. So I guess I’m emotionally middle aged. Wonderful.
You know, as I’m writing this post I also happen to be analysing my data…though it’s not intermittent since the data is taking priority. I’m almost at the end of my second week of lab and honestly…I don’t know how I feel. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m happy…and honestly, I don’t know if I am. The only thing I know is that I’m not unhappy…and for now at least, this will do. It’s not like that gut feeling I had with the HCA job. That was simply awful, and a major lesson learnt. I don’t know what I think about my PhD…and I think it’s safe to say that I’ve not been shy of sharing my hesitation. It’s just this whole ‘bigger picture’ deal. I was told by my DoS that I need to think about the bigger picture…whatever that is. Now the issue isn’t the bigger picture…it’s the finer details of the bigger picture that concern me. I have my own vision and ideas and I have no idea if that’s what anyone else is seeing too…I don’t want to build up my vision only to have it quashed, if that makes any sense?
I can see what I’m looking at, I know the general idea of my ‘bigger picture’ but I don’t know the finer details. Taking the image above into consideration, it’s like I know that I’m looking at a road in some sort of autumnal picture…but where am I? What’s around? Stupid but important questions like that. God, I’d be terrible in an art gallery…especially the ones without any information on the displayed art.
Ok, enough of this semi-depressive state. My cousin got married last week and believe it or not even I got teary…Gosh! I actually cried, and I meant it too! I’ve become an emotional mess…that’ll be the emotional ageing taking effect. So I guess my parting words will be…hoping to figure out the finer details sooner rather than later (though I actually think I’m putting an awful lot of pressure on myself, as if I want to complete the entire PhD in this year alone!), need to take a break…the weekend could not come sooner and last but not least…smile as much as possible, because every step I take is a leap forward 🙂
PS. Title specifically referencing the fact that I no longer use my diary at all…using my phone and wall calender for EVERYTHING!