Blue Heart = Blue Me

It’s only just the beginning of the week…and already I’m feeling blue. As blue as Evans Blue. Shocking though…I think I’m already over it. Helped by some strange…ermm…what’s the word? Garish videos. I’ll not embellish…I don’t think I’d be able to relive that moment quite so well, no matter how big a smile it brought on my face.


It’s one thing to feel overwhelmed and believe me, being at the centre of a major work-related debacle most certainly doesn’t help; and of course let’s not forget the pressure of completing my research. But then to be told that the three months of my data collection…is essentially… ‘useless’, because the technique that needed to be used wasn’t shown to me, and the results I’d collected were approved without so much as a second look. Had I not pushed to validate my own work, I’d have never known that it was all wrong. So what now? Well, it needs to be repeated. Yes, three months worth of work all needs to be repeated…can someone say headless chicken?! Yes, at first I was absolutely down in the dumps…I was so incredibly depressed…I actually think I was going to cry…no, I’d not been yelled at, but that hardly makes a difference nowadays, the waterworks tend to feel a lot closer than I’d like (I’m so emotionally charged! Especially of late!). The students could see that I was very upset…I don’t know how I managed to keep my cool, there was some major suppression going on today! Probably helped by the fact that I was in a busy lab full of students and of course my supervisor; who seems to be making an ‘appearance’ of late…though I’m certain he’s not doing so wilfully. These last couple of weeks have been some of the most intense that I’ve experienced in recent memory (though, considering I’m particularly good at suppressing anything which upsets me even slightly…so I hardly remember a thing; doesn’t really mean very much), and how I’ve got through them…only God knows. Helped very unselfishly by my family, friends and peers…I owe a great deal to all of them, and surprisingly to a group of very eclectic students who…adopted me as their supervisor; I feel a certain responsibility towards them now, which I really need to shake off since they aren’t actually my students!


So now on top of the ‘mock’ supervisor duty I’ve defaulted, the irony of being in the midst of a ‘political’ upheaval, the severe tension between myself and my supervisor (something needs to be done…though don’t ask me what), I now also have the added worry of  repeating my experiments. The silver lining however…is that this may have potentially cracked the glacier that has developed between myself and my supervisor, there is still a lot of work that needs doing and a lot of trust that needs earning but we’ll get there…I hope.

Three years.

This is going to be an uphill battle all the way and even though I have know idea when I’ll actually do any of the work that I’m interested in, I think I can make this good…if not great. Hey, whatever Nazra Queen invests in…it always yields something good.




PS. The title is a slight reference to my experiments…Evans Blue dye and cardiac tissue…you can conclude the rest 🙂


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