I was going to write this post when I was feeling particularly annoyed…and yes, that would’ve meant another rant. But I’m glad to now be writing this as a far more calm version of myself, though remnants of annoyance still remain (well, it can’t possibly disappear in a matter of hours, now can it?).
It’s now a whole sunrise (and almost sunset!) after I started writing and it probably goes to say that my annoyance is now completely gone. I’ve never been the type of person to be annoyed for long, I can’t really stand to be upset with someone too long. But then sometimes you feel like you need to distance yourself from something or someone and it might seem like you’re upset, but the reasoning is often hazy and confusing in itself. I’m a little like that right now, and what I’ve realised is that I’m actually happier like this…which is something I didn’t think I’d be. I know it all sounds a bit cryptic right now, and it is so I won’t even pretend otherwise. I thought that distancing myself from that situation would just give me time to catch up with everything that I needed to do…in terms of my project, and luckily it’s worked. What I wasn’t expecting was realising the emotional baggage I was carrying and actually working through it myself. It’s strange how a little bit of reflection can reveal a lot and sort a lot too. I find it easy to talk to people and usually end up being the one to hold a conversation (through compulsion and then habit), but sometimes talking about your problems is not the same as talking through your problems. In fact, more often than not, it really isn’t the same. Yeah sure, it’s nice to have someone to listen to you…and even better if that someone can actually give you perspective, but sometimes someone listening is just that, listening. And with all of my crazy idiosyncrasies…I need more than just an ear. But I didn’t realise that my ‘ear’ was all I really needed.
So how am I doing? Well, you know that ‘plan’ I mentioned in the previous post? (head drop) That didn’t go exactly according to plan and since then I’ve made several other plans and I’m now currently sticking to the latest one; to be honest I really can’t afford not to! When I really think about the PhD I’m doing, I don’t like it…but the idea of what I would like to do is truly fascinating (well it is to me, and my colleagues who continually have to deal with me airing my thoughts!) and that is really what is keeping me going. I won’t lie, I am getting to a stage where I’m beginning to get bored but having some teaching involvement stops me from getting too bored too quick. I want to progress with my work/project and move onto another technique, I feel like I’ve exhausted my learning capacity for this particular technique and now I’m ready to learn something new. In all fairness (about to be the complete opposite of humble), I’ve been working extremely hard and my colleagues have certainly appreciated that. In fact, I’ve even inspired a change in their own working patterns. But yeah, I understand why my supervisor isn’t prepared to move me onto to another skill/technique…purely because no one has ever been ready at my stage to go on to something else. I’m always the first to get to the lab and the last to leave, and I’m not complaining but I think he should realise that I’m not like the previous students; I know I can make my PhD good and I just need a hand with that, that’s all.
I somehow always end up writing an essay! Just goes to show that I don’t struggle to put my thoughts out there. I’m sure my progress/hindrance will all be shared out here (hoping for the former!).
PS. The title refers to the word I ended up saying with spite when I received an email that I really did not want to see. ‘fizzlesticks’ has nothing to do with the way I felt, but I really didn’t want to swear out loud and it’s the first word to come to mind.