As with the others, originally this particular post had some ‘thoughts’ attached to it, and of course me being me…can’t remember the whole story behind it. Now I can either post half of what I originally conceived, or write something completely new. I opt for the latter. I’ll admit, I’m now procrastinating from the post itself and therefore this particular post will quite possibly not make any sense once I’m done with it, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
(I kid you not, this is truly a ‘patchwork’ post) I’m still not sure as to where I’m heading with this post, but there’s a dominant emotion which is dictating my actions right now and so that’s the direction I’m probably going to take. Feeling overwhelmed is certainly not a new emotion for me, I just didn’t realise how everything could suddenly feel so overbearing. There’s only a few weeks left until the end of my first year as a PhD student, and to be perfectly honest, despite only getting through the one technique (and half of another…although I can’t say with ‘hand on heart’ that I’ve excelled in it), I should be happy with the outcome. But I’m not. In fact, everything feels pretty meaningless right now…and it’s all down to one very specific thing. (I’m going to proceed to being very cryptic and not reveal this specific ‘thing’) This ‘thing’ has made me somersault through a range of emotions, and I feel trapped by it. I’m not the melancholic type, but lately, that’s all I’ve been. And it’s been noticeable. To the extent where, if one more person asks whether or not I’m okay…I will flip! I get it, I look a little ill right now…probably because I feel that way, and have done so for the last 3 weeks or so. I know why I feel ill, I just don’t know what to do about it.
I think I’m doing something which will eventually help…but so far it’s made things a lot worse. One foul move has completely altered my eating and sleeping pattern (last night was the first time in over a year that I couldn’t fall asleep), and I can’t imagine things getting much better any time soon. I have faith in my decision though, and even if it means tears right now (a lot of them. Hate tears) and not being able to focus on anything (especially my progress review…coming up in a few weeks), I know that it’ll be good for me…I hope.
Sometimes you have to hurt yourself in the short term to prevent getting hurt in the long term. I really hope that this is one of those times. And I should add that my friends have been amazing with everything so far, they’ve helped me keep it together…for now.
Sorry this is so cryptic, but I can’t really say much for now. On the bright side (if there ever was any) my supervisor was actually proactive and asked to see my write up so far. Success!
PS. Titular reference: there’s always one pigeon who doesn’t know his way home.
I think my phone is also feeling as crappy as I am. I charged it three times today, and it still died! I wonder what I’ll need to ‘charge my battery’?