I guess the title is pretty self explanatory. I’m exhausted in all sense of the word, physically and emotionally. But I still have to keep going. I just saw the John Lewis Christmas advert (#manonthemoon) and it’s so incredibly sweet and emotional…although to be honest, in this overwhelmed state of mind that I’ve developed, everything seems to be getting me emotionally charged. I’ve been increasingly stressed…following that ‘not so perfect’ meeting with my supervisor, I’ve just been non-stop working, in the lab, at home, on the weekends…I’ve not been able to switch off. So it’s just been a big downer really, I’ve been so ‘off’ that I can hardly describe it. I finally had a bit of a meltdown down on Tuesday…triggered by something completely unrelated to the root of my stress (but definitely something very important, and emotional in it’s own right).
It was enough for me to go off spiralling into some ultra-silent version of myself…something which didn’t go unnoticed (well…it did somehow go completely unnoticed by a certain someone…but it’s fine). I think I let the intensity of things get the better of me, and to be honest I’m the sort of person who works relatively well under stress, but it’s a level which I set and therefore can cope with. But when there’s ‘stress’ from other people and other angles…it can get overwhelming…and that can only lead to one thing…”crash and burn”. I feel like I’m in some sort of rush to just get all of my work done and dusted…for some reason, I feel like I’m running out of time and I won’t finish and get everything I need doing done. I need to complete my work, complete my write up AND find myself a post-doc job…all within 2 years (let’s not even begin to think about all the personal goals I have to achieve), which really isn’t a lot of time (contrary to what I’ve been told!). But I had an interesting conversation yesterday, it helped me to figure out everything I’ve just mentioned, because I was hopelessly stuck in a rut…of being super silent (which is a huge red flag for me) and I couldn’t pinpoint what was causing me to feel that way, in fact I was blaming my condition on something entirely different. Something which inevitably triggered my meltdown. But I feel a heck of a lot better, I did indeed crash…but I haven’t burnt out…not just yet. I realise that I need to take things a little easier, especially with all the building responsibility at home too.
I’m just glad I’m not a conductor having to traipse around interviewing people. I’m perfectly happy to stick to my lab, thank you very much! Research!