It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.


There are plenty of ‘fill in the blank’ moments, but I can’t possibly recall absolutely everything nor can I begin to summarise everything, other than the fact that the work period is now over, and I’ve still yet to find myself a job to settle in to. It’s been an incredibly busy few weeks and I’ve been a little all over the place to be perfectly honest. Still no luck with cell isolations, still no arrival of my orders and I’ve still got to complete all of my chapters and again…need to find a permanent job. There are many things that need attention, and they all need financial consideration. I’ve yet to complete the poster I intend on presenting in less than four weeks…and I still need to write an abstract for another conference…and I have a week before the deadline. But let’s not dive into depressive uncertainty, let’s ask ourselves another question.

I wonder what happens when a scientist swaps her lab coat for an apron for Eid? And of course a little help from my dear Timmy, and a recipe from Fauzia’s Kitchen Fun.

 

I guess that answers that…food is a great distraction from real world problems. With all the chaos happening all over the world, a little unity is definitely due. And in my opinion, nothing works better than food to unite people ūüôā

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And when it falls…it falls like rain.


I feel as though I’ve been a little MIA lately, and to be perfectly fair, it’s understandable. It’s Ramadhan. My most precious time of year, the time when self-reflection is overwhelmingly needed and apparent and inner peace is almost a given…as long as I try not to think too hard about the realities I face.

I just wanted to post something very brief, and it’s almost as if the rainfall is compelling me to say, that blessings fall like the rain, they fall in abundance, some people think it is just a nuisance, but it’s often disguised in ways we can only appreciate when we truly need to.

NQ out.

Busy Bees Buzz


Tis a dangerous thing when two worlds collide.

I suppose I’m not entirely sure as to how I had planned on going about with this post, it’s almost as if I’ve been given a reason to justify the title. But I’m getting ahead of myself, I’ll pace myself and move on with the line I’ve written. Now, truthfully speaking I’m not entirely certain as to why I woke up at 3 am to say those words to myself…all I know is that I’ve been experiencing very vivid dreams, ones that clearly make no sense and have no obvious connection to my conscious life. I suppose the two worlds part is probably my watching two episodes of Gilmore Girls just before bed…in fact, I know that Lorelai and Rory paid me a visit in Dreamland, but to what effect, is lost on me as of now.

But there is far more to those words than a merger with the Gilmore realm. I suppose it can be a dangerous thing, when two hot-headed, relentless people try to form a union, but if neither is willing to compromise, I suppose only a collision course is set to happen. Likewise, when the world of work and the world of leisure collide…after terrible time management and inability to balance both worlds, certainly dangerous. And of course the most dangerous of all, when two people of different backgrounds, faith and understanding meet…if there’s ignorance, then there is nothing else but destruction. I suppose what I’m trying to say, is that in all this conflict, there is conflict only because everyone embarks on a collision course, no one thinks to plan a path which is mutually agreed on.

On a more shallow note, I’m back at the Exams office and of course, enjoying the havoc associated with it. I’m also eagerly anticipating the most important event of the year for me, Ramadhan! I can’t wait for that feeling again, and it’s only a few days away. I hope that this Ramadhan is just as good every Ramadhan that has passed before us, and even more bountiful and full of blessings and glad tidings.

NQ out.

 

PS. Titular reference is in response to being incredibly busy…but also oddly, in reference to the wasp which decide it wanted to harass a student during his exam. Ah the strangeness.

 

Why must you do this to me?


“It’s a matter of patience, perseverance and endurance.”

That’s what I’ve been telling myself these last few weeks. I feel as though I’ve been notably “absent” in every way possible…posting, writing, research and especially with my family and friends. I suppose the stresses I’ve been experiencing haven’t been very kind to the gentler side of me, and instead aggravate and demotivate me. I feel as if I have a million things to do, and no time for it, and as I try to remember one thing, I forget another.

It’s not unusual that everyday has started to merge into one very exhausting day on loop…it’s difficult to tell when one day starts and another day ends. I’ve been trying to balance my research priorities with working…but it’s not a very 50:50 arrangement right now. I suppose it’s because I feel like my attention can’t be divided very well right now, perhaps because I feel a little weakened? The damage usually comes from the source you least expect, and when you’re repeatedly suffering blows, it’s very difficult to find yourself being “everywhere”. Hence the absence. I know that things needs to change, but a lot of things aren’t in my control, and that means that I have to suffer at this cost. I’m struggling to make sense of my days, the only thing I have which is remotely soothing…is my time to reflect. Any form of prayer…I’ve always found that the busier I get, the more I find time to pray. I suppose with being busy, I can filter out all the unnecessary chaos and allocate due time to just reflect and gather myself…before I’m destroyed again. Perhaps this is a way to become stronger? As it’s said…what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (much like antimicrobial resistance).

I must say, that despite how very strange I feel right now, how very chaotic and hectic things seem, I don’t feel anxious. And that’s saying something…anxiety for me, is much like a shadow, it’s always there, but it’s magnitude is dependent on light. Perhaps, I need the anxiety? Or perhaps I’m so desensitised right now, that I’m unable to place emotion where it is due? I suppose the take home message is that…there’s a lot going on in my life and I need a moment to just be able to filter through what needs attention and what doesn’t. I know that my PhD certainly needs attention, and that I can’t possibly afford to lack in this area, because I’m so close to the finish line. But I also need to realise that being close, isn’t the same as crossing the finish line, and I can’t afford to be complacent. I need to maintain the acceleration and I need to channel the excess energy into finding a permanent job at the end of all of this.

That being said, I can’t quite focus on much more, the Glorious month is on the horizon, and I know that my inner peace will find it’s nexus soon. I’m working towards building that up, and ensuring that I can find the strength in me, to do what is right for myself and my family. That’s my priority…everything else will either need to change or wait for me.

 

NQ out.

Little Black Cloud


It’s rare that I feel like this, annoyed and distant. In fact, it’s almost the complete opposite to how I usually am, I’m involved, engaged and proactive, but not as of now. It’s like everything around me just frustrates me and is getting an exaggerated response as a result, I know that a lot of it probably doesn’t deserve the angst that I’m expelling…but I physically feel so angry and annoyed all the time. Perhaps I’m projecting the emotions of something else onto something else? Or perhaps I’m just so emotionally sensitive right now, that anything and everything will set me off…even a lab coat with pink patches! (So very, very annoyed)

This little black cloud I have suspended above my head is certainly not doing anyone any good, especially not me. Everyone else may see themselves as the recipients to my hotheadedness, but no one will see that it’s eating me up on the inside. I’m not quite sure as to what has triggered this state of mind, but all I know is that I walked into lab on a Monday morning (having overslept) and that was it…I was VERY annoyed. I suppose it must have been perpetuated from the fact that my usually bubbly self was gone unmissed, it was as if I was not present…that felt more a rejection of myself than anything else, certainly did not feel as though people just wanted to give me space (although a rational version of myself would certainly justify responsive quietness as people just letting me work out my angst). And it’s just escalated from there really, I’ve felt irritated and neglected and almost as if everyone around me is conspiratorial, even if they really aren’t.

The “odd” thing, is that I know the rationality of everything, and I can understand¬†what is beyond the red mist, but for some reason, I’m inclined to¬†believe¬†otherwise. It’s almost as if the rational and logical part of me has given up, taken a holiday and told another more¬†emotionally charged¬†version of myself to come and take the reins. I don’t appreciate this version, it’s far too irrational for me, and I can observe myself almost as a third person so to speak (if that even makes any sense). It’s almost as if I can step in and out of myself…and I can¬†see myself from the outside as well¬†be this version of¬†myself from the inside.

I can’t help but think that this is the¬†storm¬†I have been anticipating. I knew everything was far too calm for it to be alright. I need a version of my maternal self to come and give me a hug…and shake away the negativity and distrust I have acquired all of a sudden. I don’t like how I feel. It’s as if I’m not myself, but a distorted version of myself…an alternate reality version almost. I hope I can get back to my usual happy-go-lucky self. It’s far more energising and less draining. This entire working week…I’ve been so exhausted from being so quiet and angry that I’ve gotten home from the¬†lab and fallen asleep almost immediately. And then being home for the weekend hasn’t been great either…I constantly feel misunderstood and undermined, and I’ll admit, I’m certainly not behaving rationally…but it’s as if the entire world around me can see something is wrong with me, yet no one is willing to help me. I’m drowning in my own confusion.

Let’s hope those pink stains get out of my lab coat…it might help…just might.

How to keep going forward, when your path is going backwards.


Smile. Sorri. Mus’kurahat.

One very simple word, achieved through the art¬†of muscle contraction and relaxation. Yet, a powerful and important tool in one’s arsenal. You may ask…how on earth can that make something go right? The answer is not as simple as the motion itself, think of the butterfly effect…a single movement results in an astronomical effect elsewhere. With that principle in mind, think of something which is deterring you, a hindrance, a thorn in your path, now think of one smile, a genuine one, it makes you smile as you think of it. And it’s as if the mere muscular motion is required to make negativity worth nothing, it’s as if the obstacles in your path can simply be blown away like a kite on a windy day. But the perk of smiling isn’t restricted to how it makes you¬†feel,¬†¬†smiling¬†is contagious, smile at a stranger (not in weird creepy way) or anyone, and that smile will immediately result in a positive thought. That positive thought has a cascading effect, resulting in more positive thoughts, which results in more smiles. So, one smile can result in many people benefitting, many positive actions being taken…and all because of what, because one person chose to smile.

So when it seems as though despite everything, you can’t seem to do anything right, be brave and smile, it’ll be alright. If you had a terrible day in the lab, and none of your experiments yielded anything, just smile because tomorrow is another day and you’ll put in just as much effort and scientific expertise. And you will keep on trying and even if that means failing more than once, you will brush yourself off and carry on moving forward, because that’s the power of a smile.

Smile. Because it’s charity. Smile. Because the most perfect of examples, showed how to do it best. Smile. Because it shows that no matter what, humanity is strong. Smile. Because we all need it.

 

NQ out.

“Oh dear…not those chilli flakes again”


In The Middle.

The above is the title I was planning on using, but the events of this weekend have forced a change. As is so often the case with me, there so many trains of thought all of which enter that cerebral station…and so it would appear that the more obscure the title is, the more fitting. Not in the least to say the the intended was not obscure, but certainly not as obscure as what it is now.

So, enough of the waffle (although I do love waffling…and procrastinating, one would say that they both go hand in hand, I would agree), March is over and April has begun, which means my deadline is ever near. And strangely enough, despite realising that the mountain of work I have yet to get through is ever growing, I seem somewhat unfazed. Perhaps through naivety? Or perhaps the dawning realisation that my shackles will soon come loose have shed perspective on what really matters? I suppose I can only answer that when I am well and truly free.

Now it may seem as though, the sentiment I have expressed would have me rushing towards a secure job with no sight of the tedious and uncertain world of research; on the contrary, it’s quite the opposite. I’m well prepared and more than ready to take the plunge into unknown waters. With the hope that the hopelessness I’ve experienced will equip me with the best of buoys to keep me afloat. Yes, that’s right, I’ve applied for a research position AND also finally communicated with Rainbow (one-sidedly of course). It’s an entirely different matter as to whether or not there is gold to be found beyond the rainbow. If there isn’t, well it certainly isn’t for a lack of trying.

I’ve actually been procrastinating with this post a lot more than I would have thought…a lot more activation energy required…it has been far too easy to simply lie on my floor and mindlessly stare at the ceiling. Something which is often associated with the pursuit of a doctoral programme. In fact, the past few weeks have been very contrasting, going from very productive to not; not due to a lack of mental capacity, but due to a lack of physical capacity. Sometimes it all just adds up and hits you when you least expect it. In fact, it hits you more often than not. I think I’ve recovered, but either way I have no more time to lose. I¬†need to finish everything I’ve got lined up by the end of the month, not just because I’m starting back at my summer job (I love it there!), but because there is going to be a massive upheaval of equipment and much of what I need will disappear in a matter of days!

So, as it’s always said…certainly in my own head…get a move on Nazra!

Toodles!

 

PS. Titular reference is what Nazra ends up screaming when she clearly pushes a limit, darn you hot sauce! And also, I’ve been seriously binge-watching The Middle…not much else you can do when you have a cold ūüôā And the more I watch, the more I relate.