The One with All the Questions.

It’s been a few months, I understand it’s been long but sadly my manner of procrastination is becoming increasingly unproductive and more television based…mind numbing and unstimulating, which I suppose in a way, is what procrastination should be.

There have been several questions on my mind, and having experienced the journey of a lifetime, these questions have come circling back.

It’s been a little over 5 months since the wedding and I couldn’t be happier, and although I’ve been more ill than I can ever remember (more on this later) things feel settled and right. I suppose for me this was another thing that was imminent and something I looked forward to. I simply didn’t think about how such a huge milestone in my life would affect those around me. I was blinded by the reality that I was finally getting married to my best friend after years of ‘yes and no’ that I didn’t think about how it would all affect my Nani. I guess that’s not entirely true, I knew this would be a huge change for her too, I knew that, I just didn’t know how she would cope or rather that she wouldn’t.

Since the announcement of the wedding, Nani just took a hit, I understand that the last 18 years of her life were just her and me and this would change it all. She started falling and losing balance and just started getting hurt without even realising. After the wedding she started to keep even more to herself and stopped talking to my mum and us, she would happily spill all to anyone else but refused to talk to us. But when I go to visit she would light up, I knew she missed me and I miss her too. And I truly feel guilty…but should I?

I keep asking her if she wants me to move back, she always says yes, do I actually consider it? Yes…I do, but could I actually do it? Probably not. I feel as though my single decision resulted in her complete mental breakdown. She’s been diagnosed with dementia, she’s had several falls and has been lucky enough to only suffer a hairline fracture. My mum has been a constant source of her care, tending to everything but feeling so frustrated dealing with her own mother who refuses to speak to her. I know I should help more, I should do more…but I feel so far away, I feel so drained all the time and I have medical issues that I can’t even fathom.

I have a lot of questions on my mind, should I leave my job so that I can be there more for my Nani and to help relieve the burden on my mum? Should I move closer to my Nani? Should I make a greater effort to see my Nani daily…this one doesn’t even need to be a question, I know that I need to make more effort. I just wish that my health was in a better condition so that I was able to look after myself and also look after those whom I love. My best friend and husband has been so incredibly supportive, and I could never even dream of giving him up, but I do wonder if none of this had happened…then would my Nani still be her happy bubbly self? If I could turn back time and change things…should I?

It’s all just so overwhelming that I feel like hiding.

This truly is the one with all the questions…thank God that I have cooking and baking to help me get through this all…work, life and the balance of it all.


NQ out.

Crash & Burn

I guess the title is pretty self explanatory. I’m exhausted in all sense of the word, physically and emotionally. But I still have to keep going. I just saw the John Lewis Christmas advert (#manonthemoon) and it’s so incredibly sweet and emotional…although to be honest, in this overwhelmed state of mind that I’ve developed, everything seems to be getting me emotionally charged. I’ve been increasingly stressed…following that ‘not so perfect’ meeting with my supervisor, I’ve just been non-stop working, in the lab, at home, on the weekends…I’ve not been able to switch off. So it’s just been a big downer really, I’ve been so ‘off’ that I can hardly describe it. I finally had a bit of a meltdown down on Tuesday…triggered by something completely unrelated to the root of my stress (but definitely something very important, and emotional in it’s own right).

It was enough for me to go off spiralling into some ultra-silent version of myself…something which didn’t go unnoticed (well…it did somehow go completely unnoticed by a certain someone…but it’s fine). I think I let the intensity of things get the better of me, and to be honest I’m the sort of person who works relatively well under stress, but it’s a level which I set and therefore can cope with.  But when there’s ‘stress’ from other people and other angles…it can get overwhelming…and that can only lead to one thing…”crash and burn”. I feel like I’m in some sort of rush to just get all of my work done and dusted…for some reason, I feel like I’m running out of time and I won’t finish and get everything I need doing done. I need to complete my work, complete my write up AND find myself a post-doc job…all within 2 years (let’s not even begin to think about all the personal goals I have to achieve), which really isn’t a lot of time (contrary to what I’ve been told!). But I had an interesting conversation yesterday, it helped me to figure out everything I’ve just mentioned, because I was hopelessly stuck in a rut…of being super silent (which is a huge red flag for me) and I couldn’t pinpoint what was causing me to feel that way, in fact I was blaming my condition on something entirely different. Something which inevitably triggered my meltdown. But I feel a heck of a lot better, I did indeed crash…but I haven’t burnt out…not just yet. I realise that I need to take things a little easier, especially with all the building responsibility at home too.

I’m just glad I’m not a conductor having to traipse around interviewing people. I’m perfectly happy to stick to my lab, thank you very much! Research!