Why must you do this to me?


“It’s a matter of patience, perseverance and endurance.”

That’s what I’ve been telling myself these last few weeks. I feel as though I’ve been notably “absent” in every way possible…posting, writing, research and especially with my family and friends. I suppose the stresses I’ve been experiencing haven’t been very kind to the gentler side of me, and instead aggravate and demotivate me. I feel as if I have a million things to do, and no time for it, and as I try to remember one thing, I forget another.

It’s not unusual that everyday has started to merge into one very exhausting day on loop…it’s difficult to tell when one day starts and another day ends. I’ve been trying to balance my research priorities with working…but it’s not a very 50:50 arrangement right now. I suppose it’s because I feel like my attention can’t be divided very well right now, perhaps because I feel a little weakened? The damage usually comes from the source you least expect, and when you’re repeatedly suffering blows, it’s very difficult to find yourself being “everywhere”. Hence the absence. I know that things needs to change, but a lot of things aren’t in my control, and that means that I have to suffer at this cost. I’m struggling to make sense of my days, the only thing I have which is remotely soothing…is my time to reflect. Any form of prayer…I’ve always found that the busier I get, the more I find time to pray. I suppose with being busy, I can filter out all the unnecessary chaos and allocate due time to just reflect and gather myself…before I’m destroyed again. Perhaps this is a way to become stronger? As it’s said…what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (much like antimicrobial resistance).

I must say, that despite how very strange I feel right now, how very chaotic and hectic things seem, I don’t feel anxious. And that’s saying something…anxiety for me, is much like a shadow, it’s always there, but it’s magnitude is dependent on light. Perhaps, I need the anxiety? Or perhaps I’m so desensitised right now, that I’m unable to place emotion where it is due? I suppose the take home message is that…there’s a lot going on in my life and I need a moment to just be able to filter through what needs attention and what doesn’t. I know that my PhD certainly needs attention, and that I can’t possibly afford to lack in this area, because I’m so close to the finish line. But I also need to realise that being close, isn’t the same as crossing the finish line, and I can’t afford to be complacent. I need to maintain the acceleration and I need to channel the excess energy into finding a permanent job at the end of all of this.

That being said, I can’t quite focus on much more, the Glorious month is on the horizon, and I know that my inner peace will find it’s nexus soon. I’m working towards building that up, and ensuring that I can find the strength in me, to do what is right for myself and my family. That’s my priority…everything else will either need to change or wait for me.

 

NQ out.