The One with All the Questions.


It’s been a few months, I understand it’s been long but sadly my manner of procrastination is becoming increasingly unproductive and more television based…mind numbing and unstimulating, which I suppose in a way, is what procrastination should be.

There have been several questions on my mind, and having experienced the journey of a lifetime, these questions have come circling back.

It’s been a little over 5 months since the wedding and I couldn’t be happier, and although I’ve been more ill than I can ever remember (more on this later) things feel settled and right. I suppose for me this was another thing that was imminent and something I looked forward to. I simply didn’t think about how such a huge milestone in my life would affect those around me. I was blinded by the reality that I was finally getting married to my best friend after years of ‘yes and no’ that I didn’t think about how it would all affect my Nani. I guess that’s not entirely true, I knew this would be a huge change for her too, I knew that, I just didn’t know how she would cope or rather that she wouldn’t.

Since the announcement of the wedding, Nani just took a hit, I understand that the last 18 years of her life were just her and me and this would change it all. She started falling and losing balance and just started getting hurt without even realising. After the wedding she started to keep even more to herself and stopped talking to my mum and us, she would happily spill all to anyone else but refused to talk to us. But when I go to visit she would light up, I knew she missed me and I miss her too. And I truly feel guilty…but should I?

I keep asking her if she wants me to move back, she always says yes, do I actually consider it? Yes…I do, but could I actually do it? Probably not. I feel as though my single decision resulted in her complete mental breakdown. She’s been diagnosed with dementia, she’s had several falls and has been lucky enough to only suffer a hairline fracture. My mum has been a constant source of her care, tending to everything but feeling so frustrated dealing with her own mother who refuses to speak to her. I know I should help more, I should do more…but I feel so far away, I feel so drained all the time and I have medical issues that I can’t even fathom.

I have a lot of questions on my mind, should I leave my job so that I can be there more for my Nani and to help relieve the burden on my mum? Should I move closer to my Nani? Should I make a greater effort to see my Nani daily…this one doesn’t even need to be a question, I know that I need to make more effort. I just wish that my health was in a better condition so that I was able to look after myself and also look after those whom I love. My best friend and husband has been so incredibly supportive, and I could never even dream of giving him up, but I do wonder if none of this had happened…then would my Nani still be her happy bubbly self? If I could turn back time and change things…should I?

It’s all just so overwhelming that I feel like hiding.

This truly is the one with all the questions…thank God that I have cooking and baking to help me get through this all…work, life and the balance of it all.

 

NQ out.

Bleurgh


Freezing cold one minute and then boiling hot the next. Right now, I’m sitting in the lab…shivering in my lab coat. I skipped most of last week and so decided that despite the strange colour of my mucus (Yes S, you’re right…it certainly was far too much information), I was coming in today. Now, I’m thinking whether me staying put at home would’ve been the better option. It’s just me today, my colleague came to see me briefly but she’s left too. This time of year…generally has a very *nothing* to do feeling, well it does for me. And it’s certainly no different this year round. I’ve been battling more than just symptoms of a lingering cold (dare I say the ‘Flu’)…inclusive of a blocked ear (darn those grommets!). It’s been a mass overhaul of emotions the past 2 weeks and more just keep on coming, I want to say that I’m strong enough to fight them all…but I don’t feel like I am. I want to be Prince Philip in Sleeping Beauty…cutting through the thorns in the final few scenes, before he battles Maleficent. That’s what I want to be. Strong, with some sort of metaphorical weapon wielded in my hand, even a pen will suffice…but I’ve not written anything in days (maybe even weeks).

 

It’s strange how different ways of writing can make you feel, I never thought that I was the type of person who needed pen to paper to feel a certain way. And though I risk sounding incredibly odd (when have I not?), ‘typing’ just doesn’t have the same effect. I’ve always loved writing, it was always a way to express myself and better yet…to lose myself. I always wrote on paper…my compilation of short stories, my strange ‘off the top of my head’ poetry or even my journal entries. Writing always achieved something, but not like this. Don’t get me wrong, I love this blog and I love being able to put my thoughts out there, in this odyssey of emotions and intelligence. But it’s just not the same. You know when you need to get something off your chest…but you can’t physically confront the person in question; we’re always told to write down how we feel. I thought, why not give that a go…but I typed it. And I don’t feel any better, I don’t feel like I’ve released what needed releasing. Maybe it’s just me, but perhaps I need to go back to pen and paper. The humble pen and paper. With all my spelling and grammatical mistakes. With all the real emotion and feeling…the depth of the nib pressed down on the page, the flicks of the lettering, the legibility of my own handwriting as I write spuriously. That’s what I need. Strange, how writing on my blog has helped me to identify my need to write on paper.

 

Peace Out. NQ

 

PS. The title is in reference to my mucusy feeling…always lets me know it’s winter.