There are very few times that I truly regret giving up on Medicine…but sometimes, seeing how useless you are to the prevailing problems that are only heightening, can make you question your decisions all over again. I’ve always remembered just wanting to help, it’s corny to some people, I can understand that, but it was the reason why I wanted to be a doctor. I hated feeling helpless every time I saw someone suffering, didn’t have to be someone I knew or someone close to me. I just wanted to help. But all my efforts to pursue that, seemed to fall short and I was indeed exhausted, and here I am, once again, asking myself “how am I useful?”. And right now, in this particular moment, I find myself unable to answer.
That question has only been amplified in the last few days, and now perhaps incorporates a much bigger picture. I now find myself asking “where did it all go wrong?”. I’ve had very few regrets in life (just over a quarter century), but if I were given the opportunity to change one thing about my life, I find that my current answer would be my PhD. The stories given by freshly doctored students may not even reflect the true horror experienced when so many of the factors simply don’t add up. I am constantly trying to think, why didn’t I push harder to get out of this before it even started. I have told myself over the past 3 years that it will get better, but I have yet to see ‘better’. I know what my passion was, and I gave that up because I had no other choice…but where I am now, I am no happier. I’m struggling to complete my PhD in a manner in which I am happy, and through no fault of my own. I feel completely powerless over my own future, and that has often not been a daunting fact to me, however now I feel shaken. I feel as though the people who have the control are the very ones who have broken me, leaving me as mere fragments held together only by my faith. I am broken. And I am unhappy. It’s truly a realisation when I can say that I did not find doing a PhD difficult, no matter where I failed and where I picked myself up again, I was always determined because I believed in my ability and succeeded, but it’s the last hurdle, the one that requires dependence on a very incompetent few where I find myself stumble. Worse, is that I cannot skip this hurdle, nor can I sufficiently cross it alone.
This is where I find myself this year, almost poetically at an inverted crushendo, where everything has ‘built down’ and led to a very steep decline. In a way, it can only get better, but tell that to the one who fallen into a dark hole, with no obvious way out. I was perhaps naive in my thinking that my experience and skills would successfully equip me for employment, yet, this again is a task I find myself unable to check off. In fact, my current thoughts about my personal occurings resonate very much with my thoughts regarding the global and national situation. We are being governed by those who WE placed in power, yet we are unhappy, being made to differentiate between our neighbours, and no closer to peace. Why are we in this mess? It is not one simple answer. Brexit. Trump. Modi. May. Climate change. Deforestation. War. Terrorism. Poverty. Sickness. Austerity. Jerusalem. There is too much wrong to find even one right.
I need a light to break through the darkness. We all do. We need peace and global calm. Not calamity or enmity. We need a light to show us the right way once more. I hope that this new start can wipe all our mistakes and we can look forward to making things right. Let us not let our past decisions dictate our futures. Let us not let those with hatred speak for us all. Let us truly show what mankind is…and let’s not waste our time with fireworks!
NQ out for the year.