Little Black Cloud


It’s rare that I feel like this, annoyed and distant. In fact, it’s almost the complete opposite to how I usually am, I’m involved, engaged and proactive, but not as of now. It’s like everything around me just frustrates me and is getting an exaggerated response as a result, I know that a lot of it probably doesn’t deserve the angst that I’m expelling…but I physically feel so angry and annoyed all the time. Perhaps I’m projecting the emotions of something else onto something else? Or perhaps I’m just so emotionally sensitive right now, that anything and everything will set me off…even a lab coat with pink patches! (So very, very annoyed)

This little black cloud I have suspended above my head is certainly not doing anyone any good, especially not me. Everyone else may see themselves as the recipients to my hotheadedness, but no one will see that it’s eating me up on the inside. I’m not quite sure as to what has triggered this state of mind, but all I know is that I walked into lab on a Monday morning (having overslept) and that was it…I was VERY annoyed. I suppose it must have been perpetuated from the fact that my usually bubbly self was gone unmissed, it was as if I was not present…that felt more a rejection of myself than anything else, certainly did not feel as though people just wanted to give me space (although a rational version of myself would certainly justify responsive quietness as people just letting me work out my angst). And it’s just escalated from there really, I’ve felt irritated and neglected and almost as if everyone around me is conspiratorial, even if they really aren’t.

The “odd” thing, is that I know the rationality of everything, and I can understand what is beyond the red mist, but for some reason, I’m inclined to believe otherwise. It’s almost as if the rational and logical part of me has given up, taken a holiday and told another more emotionally charged version of myself to come and take the reins. I don’t appreciate this version, it’s far too irrational for me, and I can observe myself almost as a third person so to speak (if that even makes any sense). It’s almost as if I can step in and out of myself…and I can see myself from the outside as well be this version of myself from the inside.

I can’t help but think that this is the storm I have been anticipating. I knew everything was far too calm for it to be alright. I need a version of my maternal self to come and give me a hug…and shake away the negativity and distrust I have acquired all of a sudden. I don’t like how I feel. It’s as if I’m not myself, but a distorted version of myself…an alternate reality version almost. I hope I can get back to my usual happy-go-lucky self. It’s far more energising and less draining. This entire working week…I’ve been so exhausted from being so quiet and angry that I’ve gotten home from the lab and fallen asleep almost immediately. And then being home for the weekend hasn’t been great either…I constantly feel misunderstood and undermined, and I’ll admit, I’m certainly not behaving rationally…but it’s as if the entire world around me can see something is wrong with me, yet no one is willing to help me. I’m drowning in my own confusion.

Let’s hope those pink stains get out of my lab coat…it might help…just might.

‘Is this the psychology lecture?’


This post is a little different, probably because it’s all about retrospect…which ties in perfectly with the fact that I’ve not yet decided on a title for this post. Maybe a retrospective look at this post may help with that. I’ve always felt that retrospect is a beautiful thing, perhaps even more so than foresight. Why? Because the ability to evaluate the past and to obtain something from it is admirable, and difficult. But enough of the seriousness, yes the past is the best to find lessons from. We all have, and we all will…well the wise amongst us will. But it can also warrant a lot of amusement, and the perfect place to escape; just like a truly gripping novel. I’ll divulge ever so quickly and briefly, I literally just finished the 10th Tom Thorne novel, and it was truly incredible. The novel was fast paced and so real, that I might have actually been witnessing all the events unfold right in front of my eyes, about as real as staring and typing at my laptop right now. I love to get lost. I realise that it sounds strange, but I like being alone even when I’m not. To read and to love what I read, is so important to me; because I can choose the life I live; I can be a hard-wired copper running amok in London, or a crazy teenage spy jumping off buildings trying to save  the world, or a disturbed teenager fleeing from a cult. I can be all of those things, and when it might get a bit scary (and sometimes they do); I can just close the book and get back to normality. Similarly, the past holds similar merit.  I can choose what I remember, sometimes the good stuff but other times the not so good stuff; but even that isn’t so bad, maybe because it’s cushioned by being in the past and the comfort of being a memory, albeit a powerful memory. I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing lately, maybe because it’s easier to be happy when you remember things that make you happy…or rather those that made you happy.

 

Ok, I’m beginning to depress myself; so let me get back to why I started with this post in the first place. A decent laugh. And trust me when I say that my past is definitely full of those. In fact, just as I type…I have a huge smile on my face just thinking about some of the funnier events in my life. Events, that I’ve been thinking about the last few days.

 

So let me share some of those, most of them probably don’t warrant an LOL, but they’re the ‘you had to be there’ sort of funny. In my first year as an undergrad; I wanted to do something different so I decided to take an additional psychology module…which was run on the other side of campus. I’d missed the first lecture, simply because I didn’t know the timetable; no excuse.  I had a back to back lecture; and I had to cover a 20 minute trek in 5 minutes. I’d left my previous lecture a little early so that I could try and get to the lecture on time…having ran for what felt like forever, I entered the building completely out of breath, and saw that students were just entering the lecture theatre. Great, I thought, I’m not late. Just to make sure that I was going into the right room, I asked one of the students  if this was the psychology lecture and she replied in the affirmative. I sighed and followed the crowd into the hall, and me being me, I decided to go all the way to the front of the lecture theatre. In fact, right at the front and went and plonked myself onto the end of the first row. I looked around to see if I could spot any familiar faces…anyone from my course. But no one, probably because no one would ever sit as close to the front as I did. Oh well, I thought…let’s start learning! So the lecturer welcomed everyone and made a few references to the first lecture…I thought, I don’t know any of that…but then again I had missed the lecture and not had the opportunity to review the notes. I’d readied my pen and started with my notes. Ok, ‘Brain and Behaviour’…that’s what this is supposed to be about; I thought…but why hasn’t the lecturer mentioned that yet? It didn’t take long for me to realise that I was in the wrong lecture. Whoops. Confirmed by the Powerpoint displayed…’Social Psychology’. Crap. I looked around again, and now suddenly the students all looked older…second year psychology students. Crap. I dropped my pen onto the desk…and thought about leaving, but the lecture had officially began and I was sat stupidly at the front, in the direct eye line of the lecturer. I can’t just leave I thought, it would be rude and there would be no way that I could just leave without drawing attention…merely walking up the steps to get to the door would take an eternity and elicit a lot of ‘haha’ looks. I saw that the other students all had handouts, and were flicking through each slide…I stared at my lined pieces of paper and the date I’d established on the top right hand corner. If I just sit here, with a blank piece of paper in front of me…everyone will know that I’m in the wrong place, I’ve got to take notes! So I sat there the entire hour, listening intently, pretending like ‘I fitted in’ just fine and spuriously taking notes as the lecturer spoke…about a topic that I would never encounter again as a student.  And though I spent an hour absorbing a topic which I now barely recall…I can’t help but remember feeling interested in it and thinking ‘hmmm, psychology isn’t actually so bad’. In fact, when I recall that lecture and then remember leaving the lecture at the end, only to discover that my lecture had actually been taking place next door; it felt as though even though I’d missed two of the lectures I needed to be at, I’d only gained in self confidence. And it all was clearly worth it, since I did get a first in that module.

 

It just adds to my stories about being at university and ticking that imaginary check-list of things to do. All of my experiences as an undergrad were so important in shaping me as a student and as a person, and though some of them were cringe-worthy…I wouldn’t change a thing. I feel like mentioning one very important experience…which undoubtedly contributes to the complete overhaul in my personality today. But let me leave that for another time, for the time being…I’m just smiling thinking about that psychology lecture. And how much I’ll miss being in a lecture theatre as a student.