The One with All the Questions.


It’s been a few months, I understand it’s been long but sadly my manner of procrastination is becoming increasingly unproductive and more television based…mind numbing and unstimulating, which I suppose in a way, is what procrastination should be.

There have been several questions on my mind, and having experienced the journey of a lifetime, these questions have come circling back.

It’s been a little over 5 months since the wedding and I couldn’t be happier, and although I’ve been more ill than I can ever remember (more on this later) things feel settled and right. I suppose for me this was another thing that was imminent and something I looked forward to. I simply didn’t think about how such a huge milestone in my life would affect those around me. I was blinded by the reality that I was finally getting married to my best friend after years of ‘yes and no’ that I didn’t think about how it would all affect my Nani. I guess that’s not entirely true, I knew this would be a huge change for her too, I knew that, I just didn’t know how she would cope or rather that she wouldn’t.

Since the announcement of the wedding, Nani just took a hit, I understand that the last 18 years of her life were just her and me and this would change it all. She started falling and losing balance and just started getting hurt without even realising. After the wedding she started to keep even more to herself and stopped talking to my mum and us, she would happily spill all to anyone else but refused to talk to us. But when I go to visit she would light up, I knew she missed me and I miss her too. And I truly feel guilty…but should I?

I keep asking her if she wants me to move back, she always says yes, do I actually consider it? Yes…I do, but could I actually do it? Probably not. I feel as though my single decision resulted in her complete mental breakdown. She’s been diagnosed with dementia, she’s had several falls and has been lucky enough to only suffer a hairline fracture. My mum has been a constant source of her care, tending to everything but feeling so frustrated dealing with her own mother who refuses to speak to her. I know I should help more, I should do more…but I feel so far away, I feel so drained all the time and I have medical issues that I can’t even fathom.

I have a lot of questions on my mind, should I leave my job so that I can be there more for my Nani and to help relieve the burden on my mum? Should I move closer to my Nani? Should I make a greater effort to see my Nani daily…this one doesn’t even need to be a question, I know that I need to make more effort. I just wish that my health was in a better condition so that I was able to look after myself and also look after those whom I love. My best friend and husband has been so incredibly supportive, and I could never even dream of giving him up, but I do wonder if none of this had happened…then would my Nani still be her happy bubbly self? If I could turn back time and change things…should I?

It’s all just so overwhelming that I feel like hiding.

This truly is the one with all the questions…thank God that I have cooking and baking to help me get through this all…work, life and the balance of it all.

 

NQ out.

“I don’t like ultimatums…


…I don’t like Mondays, but unfortunately, they come around eventually”

I don’t know what it is about winter, I don’t know if it’s because the Sun goes on holiday around about this time, or if it’s the fact that the end of year is right around the corner. Whatever it is, I tend not to feel so great at this time of the year, and oddly, it’s my favourite time of the year (make of that what you will). I’m actually in the middle of writing up my lab book in preparation of another busy day tomorrow, but I feel like I need to put my words out ‘there’. There have been a lot of things circling my mind recently, more noticeably to do with my PhD, and my non-existent supportive relationship with my supervisor. But that’s not the only thing that’s plagued my mind. My mum is leaving for her holiday in a matter of days, and although I’m a woman in my twenties…I have no shame in saying, that “I want my mummy!”. I don’t even really know how to describe everything that’s going on. It’s almost one after the other, and the one thing that’s playing on my mind is certainly not the norm, and perhaps that’s why despite wanting to move on…I seem not to be able to pull away. I feel anchored by my own words. But by an anchor that I’ve happily placed.

It’s been an incredibly chaotic start to December, with exaggerated wind and rain…and with the weather swinging it’s mood almost as quickly as mine…I’m not half surprised that I’m such a confused mess. I’ve never been good with ultimatums and it shows. The purpose of an ultimatum (as so brilliantly demonstrated by one Lorelai Gilmore) is to evoke a reaction, to catapult an action. I’ve always been an ‘all or nothing’ sort of person…so this half-way business is absolutely terrible for me, and if the sentiments weren’t so incredibly strong, I’d have walked away a while ago. But for some reason (unbeknownst to me), I seem not to want to walk away…however, I also desire an outcome, one which I almost certainly will not get. In fact, there are only two outcomes, and although I’d prefer one over the other…it’s not my decision to make. So that begs the question…which is the least ominous of outcomes for the party involved?

Answer?…to be determined.

PS. Lab book is all done, as well as looking through the lab schedule for tomorrow’s class, I really hope that the students can get on with things quickly! I have Western blots that need seeing to!