I seem to be getting more and more terrible at keeping up with my posting, and it’s not for a lack of content, thought or passion. I simply lack the energy. I suppose the only ‘silver lining’ is that it’s not long until I embark on my journey of a lifetime…much needed for me as a person right now, and I know that it will recharge me. I’ve been a lot more ‘ill’ than I can ever remember being and needing trips to the hospital – which is quite frankly unheard of for me. I hope it’s just a bad phase that I’m going through and I hope that my body can recover and isn’t just warning me of something lurking (I can’t even delve there right now…not strong enough).
But nonetheless, I have been cooking where possible (and when I am able to stand without screaming in pain) to distract myself of the pain of a having a job that I have no passion for, a body who is clearly aging in number and function (and I’m still only late twenties! Oh dear!) and the sudden change that is married life. Don’t get me wrong, I love being married, I get to be with my best friend always and live in our home together…but I miss depending on my mum and dad and them knowing how to take care of me when I’m sick. I know they’re not that far away…but sometimes being alone in the house feels just like that…alone. I don’t deal well with the quiet and I need distractions, perhaps a reason why I enjoy cooking so much.
I’ve contemplated leaving my job and just taking a breath…but it’s a not financially feasible option, I wish it were different. I miss being a student, I miss the opportunities of learning and honestly, if my current job was what the role is ‘supposed’ to be, I would’ve been learning and perhaps not been so miserable. Science is beautiful, and I miss actually being in the lab, holding that pipette and using it as precisely as possible, I miss experiments and figuring out why you have a response, I miss articulating my thoughts through literature and observation and above all else I truly miss feeling like I have something to leap out of bed in the morning for. I hate being stuck at a computer (blogging in no way counts!) and with my right eye acting up (scaring me incredibly and also causing the need to go to eye casualty) it’s not very comfortable doing ‘computer’ work. If I had wanted to be sat in front of a PC all day, I would’ve gotten an office job. I hope that a research position that offers the chance of learning but using my skills and passion is out there somewhere…part of me is scared to search with all the rejections I’ve faced. But you won’t know until you try, right?
Anyway, here’s some more food that I’ve been busy making, I haven’t baked anything sweet in a while, perhaps I’l do some of that today!
PS. Super weird that a former colleague who was always a bit jealous (no idea why!) of me wished me a Happy Birthday…before my friends!!! So weird!