The One with All the Questions.


It’s been a few months, I understand it’s been long but sadly my manner of procrastination is becoming increasingly unproductive and more television based…mind numbing and unstimulating, which I suppose in a way, is what procrastination should be.

There have been several questions on my mind, and having experienced the journey of a lifetime, these questions have come circling back.

It’s been a little over 5 months since the wedding and I couldn’t be happier, and although I’ve been more ill than I can ever remember (more on this later) things feel settled and right. I suppose for me this was another thing that was imminent and something I looked forward to. I simply didn’t think about how such a huge milestone in my life would affect those around me. I was blinded by the reality that I was finally getting married to my best friend after years of ‘yes and no’ that I didn’t think about how it would all affect my Nani. I guess that’s not entirely true, I knew this would be a huge change for her too, I knew that, I just didn’t know how she would cope or rather that she wouldn’t.

Since the announcement of the wedding, Nani just took a hit, I understand that the last 18 years of her life were just her and me and this would change it all. She started falling and losing balance and just started getting hurt without even realising. After the wedding she started to keep even more to herself and stopped talking to my mum and us, she would happily spill all to anyone else but refused to talk to us. But when I go to visit she would light up, I knew she missed me and I miss her too. And I truly feel guilty…but should I?

I keep asking her if she wants me to move back, she always says yes, do I actually consider it? Yes…I do, but could I actually do it? Probably not. I feel as though my single decision resulted in her complete mental breakdown. She’s been diagnosed with dementia, she’s had several falls and has been lucky enough to only suffer a hairline fracture. My mum has been a constant source of her care, tending to everything but feeling so frustrated dealing with her own mother who refuses to speak to her. I know I should help more, I should do more…but I feel so far away, I feel so drained all the time and I have medical issues that I can’t even fathom.

I have a lot of questions on my mind, should I leave my job so that I can be there more for my Nani and to help relieve the burden on my mum? Should I move closer to my Nani? Should I make a greater effort to see my Nani daily…this one doesn’t even need to be a question, I know that I need to make more effort. I just wish that my health was in a better condition so that I was able to look after myself and also look after those whom I love. My best friend and husband has been so incredibly supportive, and I could never even dream of giving him up, but I do wonder if none of this had happened…then would my Nani still be her happy bubbly self? If I could turn back time and change things…should I?

It’s all just so overwhelming that I feel like hiding.

This truly is the one with all the questions…thank God that I have cooking and baking to help me get through this all…work, life and the balance of it all.

 

NQ out.

Our ‘Darkest Days’.


I’ve been preoccupied, procrastinating away from my usual redundancies and feeling like a jelly removed too quickly from it’s mould…but I have found myself compelled to write my feelings away.

No matter what I do to try and make sense of what it is that I hear, I can never truly feel content until I have somehow purged myself of the words that haunt my brain. More often than not, those words are best found in my Ramblings.

Christchurch. That noun alone is enough to trigger a feeling I cannot even describe, aided by struggling emotional defences, I find this incident having affected me far more than any other in the recent past. We are not safe from hatred. No matter how much I try to believe that love can conquer all…hatred has far too many tools in its chest. No one is looking for peace, it seems. Each person, each political representation only wants to make the lives of its own better. No one cares about being human anymore, it’s all about however many divisions we can get. But we must never let them win, we need to stand hand-in-hand together with each other and show that we are one. We are one world. One race. We are human. We are built for love and care and we must show each other that in any and every way we are capable of doing so. We are all destined to die, no one amongst us is immortal, why spend your life in hatred? Why spend your days in fear of others when all it takes is a gesture of kindness to mend bridges burnt through history, through war, through fascist agendas propagated by the politicians we elected to make our world better.

I have found myself wound in a cycle of tears and hurt, everything I read, every solemn face I see, every painful expression I feel, causes more and more tears. Whether we are affected by our personal calamities or we stand together with those affected by terrorism, we are a sea of uncontrollable emotions, emotions which are thought to be our weakness. This is our harsh reality, the world we are in is changing towards an attitude that fosters only hatred towards the different, and expressions of emotion are thought as weak. There is no one speaking for peace. No one able to step away from their high horse and use their voice for the good of all. We are merely ripples in a vast ocean, but if our single words of solidarity with anyone and everyone affected by calamities of our own doing…then we can be that positivity. We can be the force of good to take back our world from those intent on its destruction. The small acts of kindness I have seen from people towards their Muslim neighbours and friends has been a spark of hope in the darkness that has fallen on us. Let’s work together to make the world a better place.

I have said this before and I will say it again and again, it only takes one small step of kindness to make us better people. Better humans, better neighbours, better members of civilised society.

 

PS. My heart is with all those affected by the atrocities in Christchurch, I pray for the bereaved and pray that we can all come together and never let those who choose to show hatred instead of love, ever succeed.

Redundancy…


Gosh I’m tired. And having pulled both my back and shoulder in a span of just days, I’m now pondering what getting old actually means…for any normal person there is a certain threshold of age associated with pulling muscles or aching joints, but for me…there’s clearly no such distinction. Probably associated with emotional age…which though I claim is something like ’12’…it’s probably more accurately somewhere in the late 30’s. So I guess I’m emotionally middle aged. Wonderful.

You know, as I’m writing this post I also happen to be analysing my data…though it’s not intermittent since the data is taking priority. I’m almost at the end of my second week of lab and honestly…I don’t know how I feel. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m happy…and honestly, I don’t know if I am. The only thing I know is that I’m not unhappy…and for now at least, this will do. It’s not like that gut feeling I had with the HCA job. That was simply awful, and a major lesson learnt. I don’t know what I think about my PhD…and I think it’s safe to say that I’ve not been shy of sharing my hesitation. It’s just this whole ‘bigger picture’ deal. I was told by my DoS that I need to think about the bigger picture…whatever that is. Now the issue isn’t the bigger picture…it’s the finer details of the bigger picture that concern me. I have my own vision and ideas and I have no idea if that’s what anyone else is seeing too…I don’t want to build up my vision only to have it quashed, if that makes any sense?

 

My Blur

 

I can see what I’m looking at, I know the general idea of my ‘bigger picture’ but I don’t know the finer details. Taking the image above into consideration, it’s like I know that I’m looking at a road in some sort of autumnal picture…but where am I? What’s around? Stupid but important questions like that. God, I’d be terrible in an art gallery…especially the ones without any information on the displayed art.

Ok, enough of this semi-depressive state. My cousin got married last week and believe it or not even I got teary…Gosh! I actually cried, and I meant it too! I’ve become an emotional mess…that’ll be the emotional ageing taking effect. So I guess my parting words will be…hoping to figure out the finer details sooner rather than later (though I actually think I’m putting an awful lot of pressure on myself, as if I want to complete the entire PhD in this year alone!), need to take a break…the weekend could not come sooner and last but not least…smile as much as possible, because every step I take is a leap forward 🙂

 

 

 

 

PS. Title specifically referencing the fact that I no longer use my diary at all…using my phone and wall calender for EVERYTHING!