The One with All the Questions.


It’s been a few months, I understand it’s been long but sadly my manner of procrastination is becoming increasingly unproductive and more television based…mind numbing and unstimulating, which I suppose in a way, is what procrastination should be.

There have been several questions on my mind, and having experienced the journey of a lifetime, these questions have come circling back.

It’s been a little over 5 months since the wedding and I couldn’t be happier, and although I’ve been more ill than I can ever remember (more on this later) things feel settled and right. I suppose for me this was another thing that was imminent and something I looked forward to. I simply didn’t think about how such a huge milestone in my life would affect those around me. I was blinded by the reality that I was finally getting married to my best friend after years of ‘yes and no’ that I didn’t think about how it would all affect my Nani. I guess that’s not entirely true, I knew this would be a huge change for her too, I knew that, I just didn’t know how she would cope or rather that she wouldn’t.

Since the announcement of the wedding, Nani just took a hit, I understand that the last 18 years of her life were just her and me and this would change it all. She started falling and losing balance and just started getting hurt without even realising. After the wedding she started to keep even more to herself and stopped talking to my mum and us, she would happily spill all to anyone else but refused to talk to us. But when I go to visit she would light up, I knew she missed me and I miss her too. And I truly feel guilty…but should I?

I keep asking her if she wants me to move back, she always says yes, do I actually consider it? Yes…I do, but could I actually do it? Probably not. I feel as though my single decision resulted in her complete mental breakdown. She’s been diagnosed with dementia, she’s had several falls and has been lucky enough to only suffer a hairline fracture. My mum has been a constant source of her care, tending to everything but feeling so frustrated dealing with her own mother who refuses to speak to her. I know I should help more, I should do more…but I feel so far away, I feel so drained all the time and I have medical issues that I can’t even fathom.

I have a lot of questions on my mind, should I leave my job so that I can be there more for my Nani and to help relieve the burden on my mum? Should I move closer to my Nani? Should I make a greater effort to see my Nani daily…this one doesn’t even need to be a question, I know that I need to make more effort. I just wish that my health was in a better condition so that I was able to look after myself and also look after those whom I love. My best friend and husband has been so incredibly supportive, and I could never even dream of giving him up, but I do wonder if none of this had happened…then would my Nani still be her happy bubbly self? If I could turn back time and change things…should I?

It’s all just so overwhelming that I feel like hiding.

This truly is the one with all the questions…thank God that I have cooking and baking to help me get through this all…work, life and the balance of it all.

 

NQ out.

The day the doom came


There aren’t many moments which have a defining arch in my life…but the ones that do have always been welcome. So it only makes sense that I come across an unwelcome moment, one that will have lasting effects.

It’s harder to keep myself updated with things and I suppose as the season begins to shift, I feel increasingly lethargic with everything. I submitted my thesis over a month ago and in 5 weeks time I will be sat ‘ready’ to defend my PhD work.

Do I feel ready? No, I do not.

Does everyone say that? Yes, they do.

Am I in the same boat as everyone else? No I am not.

What’s with the forced monosyllabic answers? I’ve lost all drive, motivation and evidence of having done my PhD. I started off wanting to finish and now I feel as though I’m walking into an abyss, what was supposed to clear is now hazier than ever.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy finally earning a living, but as grateful as I am for being in employment, I know this isn’t where I want to be for the rest of my life. I want something that inspires me daily (which I understand is asking for a heck of a lot), but I don’t want to hate my line manager like I hated by DoS. I’m done with men who think they are superior to everyone and treat anyone deemed inferior like people who do not exist. I am not your PA, or your fall guy. I am my own person and I deserve to be treated with respect, I am not one to be sucked into your internal politics, or pretend as though what you state is nothing other than utter racism. I’m done with all those who undermine me and people like me, I am a strong woman. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. I may be down right now, but I am certainly not done. I was never created to be done until my last breath. Every day is a battle and every moment we as women have to prove ourselves, in the workplace, in academia and sometimes to ourselves also. Science has always been hushed about the sexism that lingers in every corridor, at every lab bench and at every meeting, but like all the women and men who are standing up to their oppressors, I won’t let anyone silence my will to be happy.

It’s not just you Science, I will stand up to everyone who has tried to pull me down. No matter how much I love them…it’s always the ones you love that push you. But that’s the thing, what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. Resistance baby. Microbes have done it for decades, it’s time we jump on board too.

 

NQ out.

 

Also, like always, when I’m feeling low, I bake…here’s a few goodies.

 

A moment to breathe.


There are rare moments in life that truly make you stop and examine your life, your direction and your path. But those moments do come and they’re hardly ever pleasant, they are hard hitting and make you reconsider every one of your choices. Was anything ever worth it? Will it ever be worth it? Questions that seem rhetorical and meaningless when put into context.

My PhD was something I obviously had not put much thought into…it was a way to escape the inevitable. The real world. But am I glad that I went through it (or rather that I am still going through it)? Honestly, no I am not. I have learnt a lot, but not about cardiotoxicity (as my title will so falsely claim), but about what can break me, what can destroy me and annihilate me. I have been through some very tough times, very dark places and it was never worth this. Yes, I am in a job right now, yes I am happy to finally be earning money which will be of use in the nearby future…but is this what I had hoped? Did I work excruciatingly hard my entire life to date…only to continue working even harder?

It’s the way of the world, right? To work and carry on working until it’s your final breath. That’s how it’s always been told to me…but do I want that? I miss the moments where I could actually just focus on myself, I haven’t been able to do that in months, as evident by my lack of posts (sorry!). I haven’t been able to even take a moment for myself, my diet has gone beyond unhealthy (dangerously so) and I feel as though I’ve spent the last 5 months catching up with everyone who have been working for years. The question is why have I subjected myself to that? Why has my PhD been such a burden? One that will probably go unnoticed at my current employment. Time is so precious, and I feel like I’ve lost all grasp and concept of it. I enjoy routine…I am glad to have a place to work, but is it something I am truly excited about? Probably not, which is all the more reason why I need to have some ‘me’ time. Even if it’s blogging, or going back to reading…I need a sense of normality. I have been obsessed with studying all my adolescent and young adult life and now it’s simply become all about work. This is how I am going to let it continue to be.

It’s been an especially difficult week…with one after another eye opening event, encountering situations where I have never found myself, and never ever hope to be again. It’s been scary, worrying and difficult but the one silver lining I found, was that it didn’t break me, I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. But I will not take that for granted, I deserve to respect myself and my well being far more than anything else. And I will.

 

It’s a sombre time in my life, and there are unexplained feelings all in my head that brain so excellently shields me from, it’s not until I encounter something else, that I realise that I am blocking something. I’m not sure if I want to work through those issues just yet…or whether they will locked in the vault of many dark things…