The One with All the Questions.


It’s been a few months, I understand it’s been long but sadly my manner of procrastination is becoming increasingly unproductive and more television based…mind numbing and unstimulating, which I suppose in a way, is what procrastination should be.

There have been several questions on my mind, and having experienced the journey of a lifetime, these questions have come circling back.

It’s been a little over 5 months since the wedding and I couldn’t be happier, and although I’ve been more ill than I can ever remember (more on this later) things feel settled and right. I suppose for me this was another thing that was imminent and something I looked forward to. I simply didn’t think about how such a huge milestone in my life would affect those around me. I was blinded by the reality that I was finally getting married to my best friend after years of ‘yes and no’ that I didn’t think about how it would all affect my Nani. I guess that’s not entirely true, I knew this would be a huge change for her too, I knew that, I just didn’t know how she would cope or rather that she wouldn’t.

Since the announcement of the wedding, Nani just took a hit, I understand that the last 18 years of her life were just her and me and this would change it all. She started falling and losing balance and just started getting hurt without even realising. After the wedding she started to keep even more to herself and stopped talking to my mum and us, she would happily spill all to anyone else but refused to talk to us. But when I go to visit she would light up, I knew she missed me and I miss her too. And I truly feel guilty…but should I?

I keep asking her if she wants me to move back, she always says yes, do I actually consider it? Yes…I do, but could I actually do it? Probably not. I feel as though my single decision resulted in her complete mental breakdown. She’s been diagnosed with dementia, she’s had several falls and has been lucky enough to only suffer a hairline fracture. My mum has been a constant source of her care, tending to everything but feeling so frustrated dealing with her own mother who refuses to speak to her. I know I should help more, I should do more…but I feel so far away, I feel so drained all the time and I have medical issues that I can’t even fathom.

I have a lot of questions on my mind, should I leave my job so that I can be there more for my Nani and to help relieve the burden on my mum? Should I move closer to my Nani? Should I make a greater effort to see my Nani daily…this one doesn’t even need to be a question, I know that I need to make more effort. I just wish that my health was in a better condition so that I was able to look after myself and also look after those whom I love. My best friend and husband has been so incredibly supportive, and I could never even dream of giving him up, but I do wonder if none of this had happened…then would my Nani still be her happy bubbly self? If I could turn back time and change things…should I?

It’s all just so overwhelming that I feel like hiding.

This truly is the one with all the questions…thank God that I have cooking and baking to help me get through this all…work, life and the balance of it all.

 

NQ out.

The day the doom came


There aren’t many moments which have a defining arch in my life…but the ones that do have always been welcome. So it only makes sense that I come across an unwelcome moment, one that will have lasting effects.

It’s harder to keep myself updated with things and I suppose as the season begins to shift, I feel increasingly lethargic with everything. I submitted my thesis over a month ago and in 5 weeks time I will be sat ‘ready’ to defend my PhD work.

Do I feel ready? No, I do not.

Does everyone say that? Yes, they do.

Am I in the same boat as everyone else? No I am not.

What’s with the forced monosyllabic answers? I’ve lost all drive, motivation and evidence of having done my PhD. I started off wanting to finish and now I feel as though I’m walking into an abyss, what was supposed to clear is now hazier than ever.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy finally earning a living, but as grateful as I am for being in employment, I know this isn’t where I want to be for the rest of my life. I want something that inspires me daily (which I understand is asking for a heck of a lot), but I don’t want to hate my line manager like I hated by DoS. I’m done with men who think they are superior to everyone and treat anyone deemed inferior like people who do not exist. I am not your PA, or your fall guy. I am my own person and I deserve to be treated with respect, I am not one to be sucked into your internal politics, or pretend as though what you state is nothing other than utter racism. I’m done with all those who undermine me and people like me, I am a strong woman. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. I may be down right now, but I am certainly not done. I was never created to be done until my last breath. Every day is a battle and every moment we as women have to prove ourselves, in the workplace, in academia and sometimes to ourselves also. Science has always been hushed about the sexism that lingers in every corridor, at every lab bench and at every meeting, but like all the women and men who are standing up to their oppressors, I won’t let anyone silence my will to be happy.

It’s not just you Science, I will stand up to everyone who has tried to pull me down. No matter how much I love them…it’s always the ones you love that push you. But that’s the thing, what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. Resistance baby. Microbes have done it for decades, it’s time we jump on board too.

 

NQ out.

 

Also, like always, when I’m feeling low, I bake…here’s a few goodies.

 

Keep going, keep going, keep going.


Almost four weeks into the job and I still can’t believe that after almost 9 years of higher education, I’m finally in a full time, paid job. It’s a little victory for the person who’s desperately wanted to get her foot on the employment ladder…even though it has meant still not having submitted my PhD thesis. I suppose it’s a small consolation knowing that my thesis has been written up and from my end…it’s all done. Dusted. Written up. Cut a billion words (well, it certainly felt like it). Polished up an abstract. Wrote a list. Wrote another list. I think you’re getting the gist. But in case it’s not clear, let me explain…I was so bored yesterday that I decided to read through my thesis. That’s right, I skipped YouTube videos and Buzzfeed Tasty and went to my thesis of all things. And that followed the response of ‘You need more friends’ by a colleague. Whilst that may be true to a certain extent (*shakes head profusely*…and cue headache), actually, I just want to make sure that when I get that go ahead, that my thesis can literally be sent ahead without a second thought.

I feel like things are the ‘calm before the storm’ right now…I know that things are only just starting, with work and with the PhD. Because even though the research phase and the write up phase is done, the defence is the final and most important stage. And difficult too, let’s not forget that. Oh well, I’m getting bored just writing this and…now I understand what it must look like to see someone proofread their thesis, out of boredom.

So, as promised, here is the little hamper/basket of goodness I made for a cousin. I love putting things together. I suppose it’s the last part of my creativity left. I used to paint, sketch, design, sew and make things that were innovative and pretty to look at. Don’t get me wrong, I love science and the problem solving and analytical thought process behind it all (even though it’s incredibly frustrating about 90% of the time), but I genuinely miss the creativity. Especially with writing. I started writing a novel around 10 years ago…and although I only have 3 chapters left to finish, it simply hasn’t happened. Not just because the creativity has slowly seeped out of my ears, but also because life got in the way.

Okay…what is with this tone? Let’s be cheery and look at photos! Yeay (!) Let’s face it, food is happiness (facepalm). So let’s eat, sleep and be merry.

 

Encore.


Long day. Very long day. A day which only just finished around half an hour ago…a twelve hour day, but hopefully worth it! It wasn’t until a hit of sobriety in the afternoon, that I actually got going with my day. So after re-assessing the protein concentration of my samples for my Westerns (because they were gloriously inaccurate before), I then prepared the samples and spent a good couple of hours running gels and actually feeling like I was doing something worthwhile. A feeling which has been lost amongst stretching myself to help the new students (still don’t know why I’m breaking my back to help everyone else but myself). I even managed to work in getting my stats done too (impressive use of my time!).

So here is one of the blots I managed to get (my first one actually!)…hopefully my data will be reproducible (a scientific must!).

“My first real” Western blot probing for phospho-Akt!

Wish me luck with my doctoral endeavours!

NQ out.

“Your ear canal looks like the shape of a black cab taxi”


It feels like a really long time since I last posted, and probably because I’ve been a little swamped lately. Though, come to think of it…I can’t actually think of what I’ve been up to! I’ve had such a tough time trying to achieve that ultimate goal of a decent ‘work-life’ balance; and basically work is definitely trumping life. We’ve been given all of our coursework for this semester in one go, and to be honest I’m not sure what to do…(frowns); I want to get going, but somehow it’s not quite taking off. And don’t even get me started on trying to sort out what I’m going to do next…that is a topic that I don’t care to delve into right now, in fact I’m more than happy to take that little package and put to the back of my mind…where I won’t find it until I need to look for it.

As for now, I’m working on a week by week basis. On a slightly more positive note, I’ve been getting some long overdue reading done!! Yeay!!! I’ve just finished the 8th book in the Tom Thorne series by Mark Billingham; and it was truly FANTASTIC! It’s hard to believe that a simple coincidence got me interested in this author…to be honest, I think it was fate (smile) being in the right place at the right time and noticing the one book out of hundreds…that’s definitely fate. So I’ve now started onto the 9th book and I can’t wait to get stuck in! I just have to find and buy the next two books, which are already out!  I’ve even got my course mates into Mark Billingham…I’ve had to keep a list of who has my books!

 

PS. The title refers to a comment my mother made about my ear, funny how she just came out with it so randomly. Hehe taxi cab ear.